Narcissistic triangulation is a manipulation tactic used by individuals with narcissistic traits or narcissistic personality disorder to gain power and control in relationships and at work by involving a third party in the relationship to achieve specific goals. It is malignant narcissists in particular who use this strategy.

While narcissists are more prone to using triangulation to divide and conquer, anyone can use triangulation in everyday life, for example, to vent, seek support, and get validation. The difference is that they are not seeking power or trying to harm and exclude anyone, at least not in a conscious, calculated way.

How Does Triangulation Happen?

The narcissist may also use triangulation to isolate a person by turning two (or more) people against each other through gossip and manipulation, while they remain friends with both. Therefore, you should be careful about believing other people’s gossip, as it could be a narcissist spreading false rumors without the victim’s knowledge. Many times, the victim will simply believe that they are not accepted by others because there is something wrong with them. They don’t know that someone is going around spreading rumors.

When the narcissist splits and conquers at work, it ends up in a toxic environment where everyone is fighting with everyone else. This allows the narcissist to take the lead, which also happens in the workplace. For example, at work, a narcissist may go around to different coworkers and tell them what other colleagues have said about them. They can also turn people against each other by pointing out that someone likes what they hate the most, for example. What they say doesn’t have to be a lie, but the information is used as a method to create division and conflict. A narcissistic boss can turn two subordinates against each other by favoring them when they are present but doing the opposite behind their backs. For example, they may talk badly about them or complain about their performance or spread rumors that they have mental health problems or problems obeying authority.

The narcissist may also take credit for the work or ideas of others to promote themselves and undermine their colleagues and employees. The narcissist may also use their relationship with a boss to gain advantages or avoid responsibility. They may be the boss’s right-hand man and reveal everything their coworkers “do” or say behind the boss’s back. This gives them the chance to get their rivals fired or disliked by their bosses.

Triangulation is also used to shift the focus from a conflict between the narcissist and an opponent to a conflict between an opponent and a third person using gossip and other manipulation.

In romantic relationships, the narcissist may use triangulation to destroy their partner’s self-esteem. They may show pictures of an ex-partner to arouse jealousy and insecurity. You end up trying harder to please the narcissist.

Recommended reading: The Romantic Narcissist: The Dangerous Trap of Love [ogiltig webbadress har tagits bort]

Narcissist parents can use triangulation when it comes to their relationship with their children. They are pitted against each other through comparisons, shame, and guilt. This creates a divided family that is easier to control when the children have become each other’s rivals. The relationship between the siblings is damaged. The children may also start competing for their parents’ attention. In some cases, the parents choose a favorite child who can never do wrong and a scapegoat who is blamed for everything that goes wrong.

Goals and Motives Behind Triangulation

Some of the benefits have to do with the narcissist’s need to always be the one who is always right or who is and knows best. Even though the narcissist knows that the opposite is true, they use triangulation to take away the victory from the other party. By manipulating the other two people’s feelings and reactions, the narcissist can maintain a sense of superiority and control.

Power and Control: Narcissists often want to have power over the situation and manipulate those involved to achieve their goals. They can use triangulation to create insecurity, powerlessness, and isolation in their victims, thereby strengthening their own position.

Boosting Their Ego: Narcissists constantly seek validation and admiration. Through triangulation, they can create drama and conflict that gives them a feeling of superiority and control. They can also use triangulation to promote themselves and their achievements at the expense of others.

Avoiding Responsibility: Narcissists rarely take responsibility for their actions or mistakes. Triangulation can be used to shift the focus from their own wrongdoing to a conflict between those involved.

Preventing the Formation of Strong Bonds: The narcissist may feel threatened by strong bonds between other people. By triangulating, they can sow discord and mistrust between people, preventing them from forming a united front against the narcissist.

Effects of Triangulation on Victims

Emotional Confusion and Uncertainty: Victims of triangulation can feel confused, insecure, and manipulated. They may have difficulty trusting their own perceptions and feelings.

Decreased Self-Esteem: The constant criticism and comparisons often used in triangulation can lead to decreased self-esteem in the victims. The narcissist’s “flying monkeys” (people the narcissist manipulates to target their victims) can also start acting aggressively and bullying the victim.

Isolation and Loneliness: Victims can become isolated from their friends and family when the narcissist creates conflicts and mistrust. In many cases, the narcissist will succeed in splitting the family by gathering information from different family members and then using the information to turn them against each other.

Burnout and Stress: Dealing with a narcissist’s manipulations can be extremely draining and stressful. The biggest victim is often the empath who the narcissist feels most threatened by, and therefore it is unthinkable for the victim to behave the way the narcissist does. It can take time and a lot of therapy before the person in question develops the ability to handle and understand what the narcissist is doing, and by then it is often too late.

Protecting Yourself from Triangulation

If you find yourself caught in the middle of a narcissist’s triangulation scheme, it can be emotionally confusing, frustrating, and isolating. However, there are steps you can take to protect yourself and break free from this toxic dynamic.

1. Recognize the Signs of Triangulation:

The Narcissist Creates Conflict: The narcissist may start arguments, spread rumors, or pit people against each other to create tension and instability.

You Feel Excluded and Isolated: The narcissist may try to limit your contact with others or make you feel like you need their constant approval.

You Question Your Reality: The narcissist may use gaslighting or other manipulation tactics to make you doubt your own perceptions and feelings.

You Feel Pressured to Choose Sides: The narcissist may try to force you to take sides in conflicts or make you feel like you have to choose between them and someone else.

2. Protect Yourself:

Establish Clear Boundaries: Set firm boundaries with the narcissist and make it clear that you will not tolerate their manipulative behavior.

Communicate Openly and Honestly: Talk to the people the narcissist is triangulating with and clear the air. Share your concerns and work together to address the situation.

Prioritize Your Well-being: Take care of yourself both emotionally and physically. Set aside time for activities that bring you joy and connect with supportive friends and family members.

Seek Professional Help: If you are struggling to cope with the narcissist’s manipulation, consider seeking professional help from a therapist. They can provide you with guidance and support as you navigate this challenging situation.

3. Remember, You Are Not Alone:

Many people have experienced triangulation at some point in their lives. It is a common tactic used by manipulative individuals to gain control and power over others. Remember that you are not to blame for the narcissist’s behavior, and you deserve to be treated with respect.

Additional Tips:

  • Educate Yourself: Learn more about narcissistic personality disorder and triangulation tactics to better understand the situation and protect yourself.
  • Trust Your Intuition: Pay attention to your gut feelings and if something feels off, it probably is.
  • Don’t Engage in Arguments: Arguing with a narcissist will only fuel their drama and manipulation. Instead, calmly disengage and walk away from the situation.
  • Document the Abuse: Keep a record of the narcissist’s manipulative behavior, including dates, times, and specific incidents. This can be helpful if you need to take legal action or seek further support.

Breaking free from a narcissist’s triangulation can be challenging, but it is possible. By recognizing the signs, protecting yourself, and seeking support, you can take back control of your life and build healthier, more fulfilling relationships.

Sources

How Narcissistic Triangulation Gets People Trapped, Psychology Today

Have You Been the Victim of Narcissistic Triangulation?, Psychology Today

What Is Triangulation in Psychology?, Verywell Mind

Triangulation In Psychology: Impact On Relationships & How To Respond, Simply Psychology

Triangulation: The Narcissists Best Play, PsychCentral